Prague psychologist Alexander Kuzin
Prague psychologist Alexander Kuzin told the Russian editorial office of Radio Prague about the main problems and issues that Russian-speaking emigrants bring to him. Alexander lives and works in the Czech Republic, but all his clients are from Russia, Ukraine, Kazakhstan and other countries of the former Soviet Union. They can be divided into three groups.
The first is ordinary families with small children. Seemingly a happy family, but at a certain point the child goes to a Czech school, and problems arise in his relationship with his parents.
– What is happening and what are the reasons?
– I see two main reasons. The first is a different language environment. The second is a different school system. Look, the child goes to a Czech school, so he communicates in Czech most of the day. Then he comes home. At school he had some problems, something he is not satisfied with, something he wants to share. And it is not always possible for him to even convey to his parents what the difficulties are. Because in many families, mom or dad speak Czech very poorly. Or they do not know Czech at all.
The child is not always even willing to talk to his parents. First, everything must be said in Russian, that is, "translate" his problems into Russian. Second, he does not know what to tell his parents and what not. What they will accept normally and what they will not. This is because the Czech education system is different; it, one way or another, gives the child more freedom than the Russian or Ukrainian one. Even in Czech primary school, classes are held in an open space format. And what do the parents think? Where is the discipline that is needed? Where is the strict approach? Where is the necessary amount of homework that we want to see? Where is the control over the child that teachers are supposed to exercise? None of this exists. As a result, it is difficult for the child and very hard and unusual for the parents. They have to adapt to a different, Czech, mentality.
– So parents expect more from the Czech school than it gives?
– My practice shows that, as a rule, Russian-speaking parents believe that the Czech school does too little with children. That the child gets a lot of entertainment moments, many creative tasks, but the educational process itself, according to these parents, is not deep enough.
– Doesn't it happen that children feel some embarrassment or even complexes because of their parents? That they have not assimilated enough and it is "embarrassing" to show them to friends?
– I worked with one Russian family. A similar situation really arose there. The son's embarrassment about his parents, a clash of mentalities. The parents of this Russian boy's classmate invited him along with his mom and dad to their dacha for the weekend. And when they arrived, the son began to feel complexes. His mom and dad were somehow aloof from everything. Besides, they don't know the language, everything needs to be translated and explained to them. That's not all. The poor Russian family had prepared a lot of food at home in Prague and brought it to the dacha. All of it was rejected. Not out of any evil or Russophobic motives. But because of a difference in mentality.
The Czech family found it strange, the prepared food remained untouched. They just weren't used to it, it didn't seem tasty. It was very hurtful and awkward. Both for the guests and the host family. As a result, the Russian family went home the next morning with their son. The boy expected to spend three days with his classmate and his parents, but it all ended in just a few hours. Everyone was dissatisfied, and the parents then came to my sessions for many months to somehow improve their relationship with their son, build other "contacts" with him, and understand the Czech mentality. Thank God, everything ended well. That family no longer has problems.
– Can a child, for whom the Czech Republic, its culture and mentality are already completely "their own", help parents change their attitude towards the new life? So that they begin to feel comfortable in it?
– An older child who is aware of the surrounding processes can certainly help parents. Tell them something, introduce them to local traditions and holidays, find new communication opportunities for them. Of course, the child can take the initiative. And on the parents' side, it would be right to support this desire of their son or daughter. If they really have a desire to move forward.
– I know many people who moved to the Czech Republic or other European countries who think this way... We will not be able to live absolutely happily in this new place, we will hardly fully adapt. We are ready to make sacrifices and suffer, to feel second-class... But we came here for the sake of our children. For their future. So that they grow up happy... We live for them...
– When parents say: "We live for the children," it is precisely their children who develop a sense of guilt. A parent should be happy on their own, and the child must see that. Because every father or mother who lives for the child subconsciously expects some compensation in the future. The child must fulfill the expectations placed in them. Must develop professionally and personally. And repay this debt to the mother or father. This is all an unconscious process.
A different situation with children who live next to happy parents. Those parents who spend a considerable amount of time on themselves, and even limit their children in some ways. They say: "This is our space. This is our time. And this time we can devote to you." Children in such families grow up much happier. With healthy personal boundaries.
Read the continuation of the article:
ADAPT WITHOUT STRESS (Part 2)