Remember how in our clinics there used to be posters: "Don't self-medicate! Consult your doctor!" In English hospitals they write: "Don't bother your doctor! Go and buy what you need at the pharmacy yourself!"
There is some sense in this, because pharmacists here are much more educated than doctors and know what to give for one symptom or another. Of course, "educated" is said solely to distinguish them from those who haven't studied at all. I remember once I decided to buy a couple of hepatoprotectors. Well, "Liv-52", "Essentiale" — what do we take after hepatitis or for liver diseases. It turns out, in England there is no such concept! The existence of hepatoprotectors is denied as a pseudoscientific fact. At first I thought the pharmacists were such fools, but then it turned out that Cambridge luminaries think so too. When I brought such a luminary a couple dozen abstracts on the use of hepatoprotectors in clinical practice (not in English, of course), he took them for his "expert", as he told me. Most likely, he took them straight to the restroom, while no one noticed the seditious papers in his hands.
According to the Human Development Report 2005, the number of physicians per 100,000 people in England contrasts sharply with the same indicator for other European countries with a high HDI. In countries leading in HDI indicators, such as Norway, Iceland, Australia, Luxembourg, the number of physicians is 356, 347, 249, and 255 respectively, and in the USA - 549. In post-Soviet countries, this figure is 417 for Russia, 330 for Kazakhstan, 297 for Ukraine, 450 for Belarus. In the UK, however, the number of doctors is only 166 per 100,000 people, closer to that of Latin American countries (171 – Mexico, 168 – Panama, 194 – Venezuela) or Kuwait (153). Since there is a shortage of doctors in the UK, doctors from Germany, France, and other European countries now fly here on weekends to substitute for local ones. They are paid 1,500 pounds per diem. However, a few words should be said about the quality of English medicine.
Let's start with the fact that medicine here is "free". This means that I pay a monthly tax for the fact that if I need help, I will get it at any moment. Thus, in monetary terms, it is the same as insurance medicine, but since it is formulated differently, namely as "free" medicine, it looks exactly like that - as free medicine. In full accordance with Zhvanetsky's expression: "You can get treatment for free, but if you are interested in the result..." So for those who are interested in the result, the state has provided a magnificent unique opportunity... of treatment abroad!
Once on TV they showed a family taking a young child to South Africa for treatment, because when they turned to local doctors, it turned out that there were not enough funds for the operation. But there are funds for waging stupid wars and the subsequent admission of refugees from various third world countries.
An English doctor earns good money, especially a dentist. And one such master puts a metal filling on a woman right under the gold crown. After the anesthesia wears off, every attempt to close her mouth costs her an electric shock in the oral cavity. An EMF (electromotive force) is formed at the difference of metals, as we were taught in school. My personal experience with a dentist turned out to be no less instructive. When my molar cracked into two halves, I went to the dentist. He removed one half and sealed the other with some kind of plaster or temporary filling. Then he and his assistant made scary eyes and told me that the only way out of my problem was a crown. I tried to quickly get to the point and find out how much it would cost. It turned out that you could put a crappy metal one for about 60 pounds, or you could go all out and order a gold one, which would cost more than 300 pounds.
It was perfectly clear that if I intended to use what would remain of the tooth, I'd better dig deep and put in a gold one, otherwise I would be howling in pain every day and running to see them. In the end, I accepted neither offer, and instead bought a ticket to Moscow, where I got a photopolymer. At the same time, the cost of the ticket and treatment combined turned out to be even lower than the gold English crown. A Moscow dentist of Ukrainian origin explained to me that under EU laws, his English colleagues are not allowed to give a patient a polymer, because there is some kind of risk. Instead, they have every right to practically deprive me of my tooth by putting on a crown – apparently that is safer under European laws. The Moscow doctor gave me a 10-year guarantee on his work. Three years have already passed, it's all in place, huge thanks to him, and no English dentist can distinguish this polymer from a healthy tooth.
There are also emergency care points in this country - where help is provided "immediately". It's better to appear there on a stretcher right away. It is advisable to have a knife or gunshot wound - then you will be admitted immediately. Otherwise (if you came on your own), you will be asked to wait about 40 minutes, or two hours. In general, while you can walk on your own, it's better not to show up to a doctor. He will immediately please you: "How well you look." It is advisable to hire someone to break your legs or slightly bleed your nose. The use of red paint is not recommended, as you may be prosecuted for misusing the working time of a doctor who works for taxpayers' money.
If you get into an accident, it's better for you to have as many injuries as possible. If blood is not pouring out of you and your joints are not dragging on the ground, you will most likely receive the universal advice of doctors in this country - go home and lie down, and if the headache doesn't go away, come back in three days.
Once I went to such an emergency care point. As a result of carelessness, I pierced the skin on my face through and through. After two hours of waiting, I was examined by a black doctor in a blue gown, whom I initially mistook for a floor polisher. The doctor spoke English very poorly and asked me what that green thing was that I had put on the wound (I had a small supply of green antiseptic). I tried to explain that it was an antiseptic. The doctor's face showed amazement. Either he had never heard of antiseptics at all, or he was surprised that they come in green. He gave me valuable advice – to rinse the wound with salt water and do nothing else – it would heal anyway. I asked: shouldn't stitches be put in? He countered that the wound was trivial. As a result, as expected, the edges of the wound healed incorrectly, forming a bump on my chin. But I am glad that this doctor did not treat me. Most likely, if he had tried to stitch it, I would no longer be alive.
Another form of amusement is getting to see a specialist. There are very few specialists here, and they are all worth their weight in gold. First you have to convince your attending physician of the need for your visit to a specialist. Here, the more you know, the better for you. Otherwise he will prescribe a medicine that will send you to the grave, and that will be the end of it. If you do manage to convince the physician that you absolutely need a specialist, you will be put on a waiting list and notified by mail of the day you can be seen. This day is chosen exclusively according to the specialist's schedule and is in no way coordinated with your plans. This day may come in a week, or it may come in six months, depending on the center's workload.
An ordinary fluorography, which in any post-Soviet city is done on every corner in a matter of minutes, here is sometimes waited for months. One girl came to a doctor with stomach pains. By the time she managed to convince him of the need for endoscopy, by the time her turn came, the need for the examination had disappeared – the girl died of stomach cancer. A Cambridge professor, a Nobel Prize laureate, lies for a week on a stretcher in the corridor of Addenbrooke's Hospital waiting for medical help. A woman with a brain tumor has her operation postponed for seven months, while regularly being scanned. Apparently, they are studying how the tumor develops until it kills her...
Recently I was listening to the radio and could not understand – whether it was some kind of entertaining black-humor program, or they were serious. A lady was in an accident, resulting in a traumatic brain injury. She needed an MRI immediately, because she was practically in a comatose state. She was put on a waiting list for a scan, which would come up in 18 months! But it turned out that, given the extremely serious case, the scan could be done privately, and the wait would be only a few months. The hospital staff discussed the issue and admitted that waiting that long was impossible, and they scheduled her scan... in 26 weeks!
Recently, a woman was simply killed right in the hospital, after being prescribed a medicine that was intended for another patient. She was placed in a room where they had forgotten to change the nameplate with the name and prescription of her predecessor. Another recent case – a young girl was simply burned by radiation: they made a mistake with the dose. Now the girl will either die or remain an idiot for the rest of her life, because they irradiated her brain. Sometimes I wonder – why is medicine even needed here? Probably, in order to competently register the fact of death.
By the way, the average life expectancy in England is quite high – the same as in Luxembourg, which is better off in terms of medicine (78 years). So maybe forget about this medicine?