Every husband is unhappy with how his wife and the government spend money.
Like any global catastrophe, major shopping—in Russian, a purchase—happens rarely. By this we mean a truly large-scale misfortune; small trips to stores do not count. Every husband is unhappy with how his wife and the government spend money. The difference is that he is not afraid to openly criticize the government. But according to court statistics, not one wife has yet shot her husband at the moment he was getting into the car to go shopping with her.
The first echo of the impending misfortune is hours of rummaging by the wife in her wardrobe. As a rule, without a specific reason—interviews, weddings, and birthdays have nothing to do with it. This is more like a visit by a plague-ridden, hungover marshal to an innocent military unit. The grass is trimmed, the ceilings are whitewashed, the bootlaces are ironed—all the same, it ends with drill on the parade ground and several courts-martial for treason against the motherland.
So, your long-standing sweetheart dives into the boundless sea of shirts, dresses, and jackets, selflessly rummaging through them for about three hours, sleepwalking among bras, tangling in kilometers of stockings and tights. A patient husband who knows the sad symptoms should behave quietly and not attract attention.
No, of course, submissive behavior will not affect the result of the wife’s research into the bottomless depths of the wardrobe. But at least a beaten-down appearance and numb obedience will not give cause to arrange a few passing scandals along the way. Frivolous young men often err in assuming that their beloved is simply inspecting her outfits as a matter of pride and self-affirmation in her own eyes. Naive Chukchi boys! That is as touching as viewing jet planes in the sky and the subsequent fires on the outskirts of town as an exercise. As soon as your wife opens the wardrobe door for no apparent reason, you are doomed. You can boldly start checking your cash, estimating how much money is left in your bank account, cutting up a couple of credit cards, recalling from whom and for how much you can borrow until the next paycheck. Urgently, before thunder strikes, cross yourself! That is, in military order, pay all the bills that are at hand, call a friend and lend him as much as you can palm off on a frightened, unsophisticated bachelor. Overall, reduce the available sum for spending to a minimum. That is how villagers on the eve of an invader’s raid from time immemorial slaughtered cattle and arranged multi-week feasts, spending everything down to the last penny. If only to get through the day and hold out through the night. Because they knew: the occupier would come and requisition everything that caught his eye.
From the point of view of healthy cynicism, you are prepared. Pour yourself some coffee, wait patiently for your wife to appear in the living room with a tragic and at the same time aggressive expression and declare: “I have nothing to wear. What do you think, shouldn’t we go shopping? By the way, you just need to buy some socks!”
Shock surgery
Between the official announcement of a catastrophe called “shopping” and the disaster itself there is almost no time gap. The woman does not mean that, you know, sometime or somehow we need to get ready and go. She is going to do it immediately. And you need to grasp that, and not mumble: “Yes, well, next week... I’ll get my paycheck, then...” Such a position will lead to nothing good. You will immediately be reminded of all purchases unrelated to your wife’s wardrobe: a couple of modem cables, jeans, beer, books... The only correct behavior is to firmly declare: “It’s long overdue! Get ready, let’s go right now!” This is sheer balm to her soul. She will immediately start being coy, saying she didn’t want to go so soon, to rush off this very second. But if her beloved husband insists...
Insist. A good piece of advice—insist, or you will regret it, and very soon. On the way, try not to let go of the wheel and not to veer into oncoming traffic while your wife thoughtfully lists what exactly she lacks. Not for complete happiness, mind you, but simply so that she won’t be ashamed to appear in public and won’t look like a scarecrow. Regardless of the season, fur coats, jackets, skirts, scarves, and slips will be listed. Smiling slightly, nod in response, even if your neck is cramped from horror. To the question “Where do we go on the raid?” I advise you to carelessly suggest the most expensive mall, which contains the breathtaking Neiman Marcus, where any little skirt costs as much as a space shuttle to the Mir station, where saleswomen speak good English and poorly understand your tears.
Our American mall (from the English “mall”—a city street with many shops, closed to automobile traffic) is not just a giant shopping center. Compared to malls, all existing retail spaces are like a village church compared to a cathedral. A mall is a 24-hour temple of comprehensive, nonstop consumption, where the shopper moves like a circus horse in a circle, going into stores, cinemas, dining at restaurants...
Behind the automatic glass doors are coolness and silence. On the racks is clothing that, even if sewn from hundred-dollar bills, would not be worth more. Calm, only calm! Do not faint when your wife has gathered half the store’s assortment and retired to the fitting room with this bounty. Everything will end well. Despite her obvious asociality and innate madness, she senses in her gut the amount you can spend. All she needs is to revel in the beauty of the sample. The price does not matter. After enticingly twirling in a three-thousand-dollar Armani suit, the spouse will take it off with a displeased grimace and hang it back in place. At this moment the following thought process takes place in her head, which will be partially voiced: “The little suit. Three grand. Cute. But the belly sticks out. And most importantly—buy it and go home! And this is shopping? Why, in Brooklyn I saw the same one, only ten times cheaper and better...”
That's it — the fate of shopping is decided. Shock surgery has done its job, now you will harmoniously move to stores where normal people dress... with incomes ten times higher than yours. And that is already a good sign. The budget is not saved, but they won't put you in a debt pit. With a certain amount of luck.
The Tale of the Naked King
In normal stores for homo sapiens, not for Gwyneth Paltrow and Sharon Stone, the hardest part begins. Prices are still straining, but relatively standard in a human way. I provide a short list of what you will carry away in cute paper bags with a branded emblem resembling the coat of arms of the Crown Prince of Morocco. A skirt just below the knee, beige — $100. A skirt just above the knee — $120. (I will never understand why a thing that took less fabric costs more...) A jacket with short sleeves — $125. A blouse sewn from air — $45. A blouse not sewn from anything at all, with buttons and a pin — $32. A scarf — here it's a matter of quality. Once I was shown an empty spot on the sofa, enthusiastically saying that it was Persian gauze and cost incredible money. I suspect the tale of the naked king was repeated...
It is necessary to keep in mind that everything bought cannot physically exist without shoes, jewelry, and perfume. Kill me, I don't know why a brown jacket does not go with black shoes. But it doesn't. So we will be ready to buy at least two or three pairs of shoes, each approximately $100-150. Also new perfume that unexpectedly smells of moonshine and soldier's footcloths (the height of fashion!), and at least one set of something with small stones that can be safely hung on ears. I know, I know what you thought... No, noodles won't do, even though they are cheaper.
The acquisition of all this will be accompanied by:
• by choosing a size exactly two smaller than the one your wife wears;
• by demands to express your stupid, incompetent, and dull opinion;
• by four trips outside to smoke and count to ten;
• by constant questions about whether the chosen item is too expensive;
• by fierce hatred in the look when it turns out that yes — it is very expensive;
• by a final kiss on the cheek;
• by the discovery of the sad fact that things are bad with socks, and the money is gone.
Why was all this bought? A trick question, but as you yourself understand, it is rhetorical. True, there is some minimal use in new clothes. The main application of purchased items is showing them off to girlfriends when they come to visit. At this responsible moment, your home turns into a catwalk, the audience is completely absent, around are only professional critics, or rather, female critics. After all the new clothes are recognized as outright rubbish, and overpriced at that, the most interesting part begins — exchange. In the era of cloning and space exploration, women have managed to preserve the habits of a society dominated by subsistence farming. The skirt will go in exchange for a vest. The plaster charm of a new perfume bottle — for French cosmetics. The scarf — for underpants. The underpants — for a T-shirt.
Physiological nervousness has returned to normal, everyone is happy, and your place is at the buffet. Drink more, snack less!
How to Relieve Shopping Stress
The American unbridled passion for stores is not just a tribute to consumer psychology. Factories produce goods and cosmetics, stores sell hope. Shopping is not a tiresome necessity. It is a pleasure, a reliable way to vent one's soul and relieve tension.
Way one. “You must know how to have.” Respectable glossy magazines publish photographs of Hollywood stars with detailed analysis of their wardrobe: Jennifer Aniston's dress by Valentino. Price — $18 thousand. You can buy yourself a similar one in stores on Forty-Second Street for $300 (image attached) or in a small basement in Brooklyn (detailed address with driving directions) for $50. In the pictures everything looks very similar. And let you have everything like Jennifer, including husband Brad Pitt!!!
Way two. Sale — a clearance sale. Americans are rightly called a “nation of discounts.” The average person from New Jersey will not casually buy goods at full price, so as not to deal a sensitive blow to the family budget. He will patiently wait for some holiday (and there are holidays in the States all year round — from Christmas to Thanksgiving) and buy everything he needs. Because the money he paid at the sale is the real price of the goods. If you missed buying jeans for 10 bucks, then fork out fifty later...
Way three. “Open box” — Russian roulette. For Americans, packaging is sacred! Therefore, selling a product in poor packaging is regarded as a crime on the part of the seller. This is followed by immediate punishment — the price of the product is reduced. From an electronics store, you can easily walk out with a flat-screen TV for a ridiculous price. Because the demonstration model (and how could it be otherwise?) always comes with a 25% discount. And if you bargain, poking your finger at a tiny scratch, you can lower the price to 50%. Everyone is happy, everyone is laughing! The seller is glad that he found a “sucker” and foisted a product that is not subject to exchange or return, and potentially may not even work. You are happy that you grabbed a great thing for pennies. True, sometimes the principle that the miser pays twice comes into play.
Path four. Go out of Business - "we're going out of business." An elaborate advertising trick works unfailingly. A potential buyer sees a huge poster - "going out of business" - in the window and rushes to feel sorry for the owner, and at the same time to profit from someone else's misfortune - after all, a closing store hastily tries to unload remaining goods, drastically reducing prices. This is a victory of "common" sense, and if people didn't go into this store during its heyday, then it seems to them that the goods must be excellent, since they used to cost astronomically high, and even now the price tag brings a stingy tear - so they need to buy it quickly. Thus stores "go out of business." However, some actually close, but often these are advertising games to "shortchange" people.
Path five. Internet, or Catalog. Famous fashion designers, due to increased rental prices, sharply reduced the space of their boutiques and switched to selling on the Internet (or by catalog). Now, if you want to update your wardrobe, boldly go to the websites of Donna Karan, Prada, Gucci and Armani, where famous designers sell their latest collections with delightful discounts. Armed with a catalog and a credit card, an American can dress and shoe an entire family without leaving the couch while sipping Budweiser.
Path six is the most painless. If there is no money, then a life-battered American trains himself to visit the most prestigious stores weekly and try on - for at least an hour! - the most expensive clothes. Thus the body, and then the consciousness, gradually gets used to a new standard of living, programming itself for success.
"Shopaholics"
In the USA, 15 million people suffer from shopping addiction, and 90% of all "shopaholics" are women. "Shopaholism" is akin to kleptomania. A kleptomaniac steals everything that comes to hand - a "shopaholic" buys all of it. Scientists have found that when people make a purchase, their blood level of serotonin - the good-mood hormone - jumps. Purchases have the same effect on people addicted to them as drugs do on drug addicts. But if society condemns drug addicts and alcoholics, then it treats those who can afford to spend money on expensive things with reverence, on the contrary.
"Shopaholics" are slaves to their own character. They are emotional, unstable, changeable, impulsive, capricious, sometimes spending savings accumulated over years, obeying a momentary whim. If a healthy person, when in a bad mood, will fight it with various methods: spit on personal life, drink with friends, or finally buy an inlaid cigarette case - then a "shopaholic" will go to the store. It is impossible to get rid of the passion for shopping alone; it is not for nothing that the USA invented pills for shopping addiction. True, this is just an ordinary, slightly modified antidepressant. So the best treatment for spendthrifts is not medicinal, but psychological. If you want to return to childhood and feel that your mother loves you, don't buy dinner sets, but take up stamp collecting.
And yet life is life. Sometimes you need to let your shoulder itch, your hand swing, and your wallet empty. Nothing stabilizes emotions and puts the nervous system in order like healthy shopping... • A visit to an online store of elite perfumery will help you save your time and money. Here you can purchase products of world-famous brands. And if you specialize in selling fragrances, you can also order perfume and fragrance products wholesale with home delivery.