In many countries, a kiss is a common form of greeting between women
With whom, when, and how many times to kiss
Gilles Debunne, though French, even he, traveling through France, cannot guess how many times to kiss when meeting in different regions of the country, notes a BBC Capital correspondent. This is because the number of cheek kisses varies greatly across the country – from one in western Brittany to four in the Loire Valley.
A 40-year-old software engineer from Toulouse says that when he meets someone from another part of France, "every time there's an awkward situation where you don't know when to stop. Or else – what will happen when you reach your lips to the other cheek?"
La bise (kiss – French) is a common form of gentle greeting between individuals of opposite sexes or between women. As for men, much depends on the degree of acquaintance or kinship. As BBC Capital notes, close friends or relatives may well expect a kiss from each other, but new business partners are unlikely to.
Computer scientist Debunne, to clarify this tricky question, created a tool that allowed him to relax – an interactive map of kisses in France. On his map, he coded French departments – administrative-territorial units – in different colors and constantly updates the data as people across France vote on how many kisses – one, two, three, four, and even five – are the norm in their region. Since the map went online in 2008, over 100,000 votes have been registered. The map has become a definitive source of information on the topic of cheek kisses for French-language media.
Although the survey data collected by Debunne helps visitors navigate the greeting manners of different regions, in practice cultural nuances are far from simple. It could be an awkward kiss, an unexpected hand-holding gesture, or a deep bow. Whatever you encounter while going through the gauntlet of mastering the various greeting manners around the world, it can feel like a humiliating trial-and-error experiment.
Kiss as a puzzle
In countries like the US, England, and Germany, it is customary to exchange firm handshakes when meeting. So when American Steven Rinaldi came to Italy to work at a country estate in the Abruzzo region, he was initially very nervous about all the cheek kissing.
At first, he adopted a defensive tactic, taking on the role of the "kissee." Within a few days, Rinaldi realized his plan was not flawless. He began observing others and found that "they always kiss on both cheeks, first the right then the left. No one actually touches the cheek with lips; it's more of a cheek-to-cheek hug while making a kissing sound."
Armed with this knowledge, the American immediately reached for the cheek of a distinguished lady – the matriarch of the family residing at the country estate. The greeting was an incredible success, and he – mistakenly – decided to repeat the experience with her husband. "He immediately started shaking my hand, and the situation reminded me of the awkward hugging scene at the end of the film 'Step Brothers' with Will Ferrell." From that incident, Rinaldi learned another important lesson: if you are not very well acquainted with the man before you, the best greeting is a handshake.
Holding hands
The United Arab Emirates is one of those places on earth where public kissing between people of opposite sexes is absolutely excluded. But do not be surprised if you see two men holding hands or kissing each other on the cheek.
"Cheek kissing is common among Arabs of the same sex, but showing intimate feelings towards the opposite sex is highly disapproved. In some places, it is even punishable," says Kashif A, who works as a freelance digital marketing consultant in Dubai and often writes about cultural differences on his site "Expat Blog in Dubai." If two people of the same sex hold hands, he says, it means they are good friends.
This is what former US President George W. Bush learned when he met Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah at his ranch in Texas in 2005. A photo of the pair holding hands spread like a virus and became fodder for discussions about the connection between this gesture and strengthening ties with the Arab world.
How low should you bow?
In some countries, foreigners have to deal not with kisses or whether to hold someone's hand. In China, for example, it is customary to greet with a light handshake accompanied by the question: "Have you eaten rice?" This is not an invitation to a meal, but rather a way to ask: "How are you?"
In neighboring Japan, a foreigner must master the meaning of bow depth and the unwritten rules associated with it. "I became a true master of bowing when I ventured into the rural backwoods in the heart of conservative Japan," recalls English teacher Siobhan Sullivan from San Francisco. "But it was not my personal achievement. It was all because of my school principal, a true stoic, who, with barely concealed disgust at the sight of my bow when I greeted him, invited me to his office."
The whole problem was in the eyes. The 28-year-old American, without breaking eye contact, nodded her head, but the principal felt that she was rudely staring at him. She learned to look away, keep her arms tightly at her sides, and bow lower than her boss.
“I bore the merciless stigma of being a foreigner in Japan,” she says. But after a lesson from the school principal, her colleagues showered her with compliments on her ability to bow and even asked her to correct students who performed the bowing ritual too sluggishly. Unexpectedly, she found herself in a completely different position: now she was asking her students to repeat their bows until she could state with full satisfaction that they performed the task flawlessly.
Following Examples
Traveling to new countries – whether for work or leisure – can often feel like taking a school exam in global etiquette. But there are two simple rules that anyone can follow to ensure the greeting ritual goes smoothly.
“Always let the other person start and always repeat after them,” recommends Ann Marie Sabath, author of “Business Etiquette: 101 Ways to Conduct Business with Charm and Savvy.” If you are plagued by doubts about how to proceed, Sabath continues, the safest course of action is to be cautious during the first encounter, “but don’t be surprised if the greeting style changes after the first contact.” After all, you never know when a handshake might turn into a kiss, a bow, or even a walk down the street holding hands.