“UNFIT FOR MARRIAGE!”
To enter into marriage, love and consent alone are not enough. It may happen that a person is “unfit” for marriage, or that he or she is forbidden to marry.
The category of “unfit” includes men who wish to marry the sister of their former wife (while the former wife is still alive), a widow, or the former wife of a brother, or a married woman. If such a man manages to deceive the rabbi and still marry the woman of his choice, the marriage will be declared invalid as soon as the deception is discovered. A marriage entered into under duress or due to a mistake (when serious defects are discovered in one of the spouses after the wedding) is also invalid, but proving the fact of a mistake or duress can be very difficult.
Another category of unfortunate lovers are those who are forbidden to marry. Halakha (the body of religious laws) forbids a divorced woman from marrying the man with whom she committed adultery during her marriage. A divorced woman cannot return to her first husband, even if her second husband has died. A divorced woman, again, cannot marry a kohen (a man from the priestly class, a representative of the highest Jewish caste). A widow who has no children cannot marry anyone except one of her former husband’s brothers, unless she receives a “chalitza” (release) from that brother. A mamzer (a child born to a married woman from a man other than her husband) is not allowed to join his fate with someone born “legitimately.” Discrimination, however... But if poor “divorcées” or mamzers manage to deceive the priest, it can be considered a done deal – the marriage is recognized as valid even after the deceivers are exposed.
Halakha is strict. But even these strictures can be circumvented if desired. Jews, for example, can enter into a civil marriage rather than a religious one – and still have all the rights of a married couple in Israel. But to do this, they must travel abroad to get married – and then show relatives beautiful wedding photos against a backdrop of some overseas palm trees. You can also get married... by mail. In some countries, such as Paraguay, the presence of the bride and groom at the wedding ceremony is not required. Israelis send powers of attorney to their representatives abroad and get married “by proxy,” and then retrieve the marriage certificate from their mailbox! Spouses who marry “bypassing” the rabbinical court will find it much easier to later divorce in the rabbinate. Freethinkers who dislike any of the above methods of marriage can, through a lawyer, enter into a “cohabitation agreement” and live peacefully as husband and wife, calling themselves de facto spouses, “known in society,” but they are not considered spouses in the eyes of the law.
“AND I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD...”
According to Halakha, the marriageable age for boys is 13, for girls – 12.5 years. The Torah considers that from this age people are already adults and have the right to marry. However, most marriages between such “adults” were arranged by parents. In 1950, to prevent marriages between minors, a civil law was passed prohibiting girls under 17 from marrying. The groom and anyone who directly facilitated such a marriage could easily end up in prison. But if the ceremony is performed, the minor is considered married in the eyes of the law. Until she turns 18, her parents, guardian, or social worker can help her divorce her hasty husband.
THE WEDDING CEREMONY
In a marriage conducted according to the laws of the Torah, the man is undoubtedly the dominant figure. The wedding ceremony is essentially an act of the husband “acquiring” his wife. The husband sanctifies his wife for himself, and the wife dedicates herself to her husband. Throughout the day before the wedding, the future spouses observe a fast. During the ceremony, the husband places a ring on the index finger of his wife’s right hand and says: “You are consecrated to me by this ring according to the law of Moses.” Two witnesses are present – usually a rabbi and his assistant. In the past, there were two other methods of religious marriage: consecration by a promissory note and consecration through sexual intercourse. Today these methods are no longer used; nevertheless, a prolonged intimate relationship between a man and a woman may be considered a valid marriage.
After the betrothal, the couple passes under the chuppah; from that moment they are considered husband and wife. Spouses who strictly adhere to religious prescriptions immediately after the chuppah perform the union ceremony: they retire to a special room and eat together.
In the interval between kiddushin and chuppah, the husband gives his wife a ketubah – a special document that records his obligations to his wife and specifies the amount the wife will receive in the event of divorce or the husband’s death. The content of the ketubah is traditional: the husband undertakes to feed, clothe, and treat his wife, provide her with shelter, and fulfill his marital duties. At the time of registration, the future husband and wife sign declaration forms stating their marital status. The truthfulness of this information must be confirmed by two witnesses on each side, and a woman cannot serve as a witness.
The date of the betrothal ceremony (kiddushin) and the marriage ceremony (chuppah) is finally set during a meeting between the woman and a family purity instructor, who calculates the days when the woman is “fit” for her husband. At least 12 days must pass after the woman’s “interesting days” begin before the day of the chuppah – otherwise she is considered “unclean” and her husband is forbidden to touch her. After the specified 12 days, the woman must immerse herself in a special pool – a “mikvah” – performing the purification ritual.
LOVERS’ QUARRELS...
A marriage may not be entirely successful, but this should not affect the financial situation of the married woman. The husband is obliged to support his wife as long as she lives in his home and performs all necessary household chores. If the husband treats his wife badly, if he leaves the country and does not care for his wife, she may demand alimony in an amount covering all her usual expenses, including cosmetics, entertainment, and travel. Alimony can be claimed through a civil or rabbinical court, with the civil court usually awarding a larger amount. For example, if the wife works but her salary is less than her expenses, she will receive the difference from her husband. According to rabbinical law, the wife’s income (i.e., her salary) belongs to her husband, and if the woman does not give her income to her husband, it is considered that the husband thereby fulfills his financial obligations to her. A wife has the right to demand her husband’s eviction from the home if she can prove that living together is impossible due to the husband’s bad behavior. A husband cannot evict his wife from the home because he is legally obligated to provide her with housing. After divorce, the wife is not entitled to receive alimony for herself.
If a family breaks up, the spouse interested in preserving the family may file a claim for “peace in the home” in the rabbinical court. It is, of course, impossible to force the unfaithful spouse to comply with the claim. But a woman who refuses to comply with such a decision is considered a “rebel” and loses her right to alimony. A “rebel” who, for reasons not considered valid by the court, refuses to live with her husband, may renounce her rebellion and be restored to her rights; otherwise, the husband may seek a divorce. A disobedient “rebel” husband cannot be forced to file for divorce, but he can be required to pay alimony to his wife. If the spouses cannot reach an agreement on divorce but also cannot live under the same roof, the rabbinical court issues a separation order. In this case, the wife lives separately but retains the right to alimony.
DIVORCE
In Israel, divorce, like marriage, is exclusively within the jurisdiction of the rabbinical court. Even if Jewish spouses married outside Israel and have a civil marriage, they must divorce through the rabbinical court – otherwise, in the eyes of Israeli law, they will remain husband and wife even after dissolving the marriage in a civil court. According to Halakha, a marriage is considered dissolved when the husband gives his wife a divorce document – a get – and the wife accepts it. For many centuries, a man could give a woman a get and remarry without her consent. A thousand years ago, Rabbi Gershom introduced a law prohibiting bigamy and divorce without the wife’s consent. But to this day, the wife’s consent to divorce is mandatory only for Jews living in Europe and America, i.e., Ashkenazi Jews. Among Sephardic Jews, in communities in countries where Islam rules, this law does not apply.
According to the Torah, spouses can divorce by mutual agreement: they must settle all property issues between themselves and decide on the order of participation in raising the children. Interestingly, under Israeli law, a “proud” refusal by a mother to receive child support from the father is impossible, even if the father gave up part of the apartment in favor of the child; the court will also not approve too little child support. In addition, the couple must be eloquent enough to convince the rabbinical court that both sides made sufficient efforts to establish peace in the family, but these efforts were in vain.
A husband or wife can demand a divorce in the rabbinical court only “by agreement” or “for a valid reason.” The list of “valid reasons” is quite interesting. Here it is.
A husband can demand a divorce from his wife if she has physical defects or illnesses that were unknown to him before the marriage and, upon learning of them, he stopped living with his wife. A husband can divorce a woman who has been infertile for 10 years; if the fact of infertility is obvious, divorce can be obtained earlier. A husband can divorce his wife if she leads him into sin and incites him to violate religious laws: prepares non-kosher food for him or does not immerse in the mikvah – but only if the wife does this not accidentally but intentionally, and the husband himself strictly observes religious commandments. Also, a husband can divorce his wife if she refuses to fulfill her marital duties or if the husband has serious grounds to suspect her of infidelity. Finally, if two witnesses testify that the wife cohabited with another man during the marriage, the husband, by law, is not allowed to continue living with her and must divorce her.
The list of male “transgressions” is somewhat different. For a man, the main “contraindication” to continuing the marriage, aside from defects and illnesses, is the inability to impregnate a woman. If the husband is incapable of procreation and the woman has no children from another man and has lived with her husband for 10 years, she has the right to divorce. It is possible not to wait 10 years for a divorce if the husband’s infertility can be precisely proven by other means. A wife can divorce a husband who refuses to fulfill his marital duties. She can also accuse her husband of impotence – in this case, the court will believe her and grant a divorce. But if the husband stubbornly refuses to give his wife a get, she is considered married and cannot remarry, even if she has not lived with her husband for a long time – and so on until the end of her life...
If a woman does not want to divorce, i.e., accept the get, she can be forced to divorce by depositing the get. A man can authorize a trusted person to give the get to his wife when she is ready to accept it, and calmly marry another woman.
The reasons for which a husband can lawfully abandon his wife are noteworthy. A woman can be left if she has been married for ten years and has not given birth to a child, or has only given birth to girls (!). You can divorce a wife if she has been unfaithful to her husband or if the marriage was contracted contrary to law; you can also abandon a wife who has physical defects or suffers from “repulsive diseases.”
A woman who is an “agunah,” left by her husband without a divorce, finds herself in a dramatic situation. She cannot remarry until she receives a get or until the husband who took her as his property dies. Children born to an agunah from another man are considered mamzers. The path to “decent society” is closed to a mamzer – he can only marry another mamzer; the same law applies to the children of mamzers.
CHILDREN
In Israel, every child, regardless of whether born in or out of wedlock, is considered legitimate, and the rights of such children are equal. Mother and father have equal rights to their children as “natural guardians,” but according to rabbinical law, financial responsibility for the children falls entirely on the father. If parents divorce, the fate of the children is decided either by a civil or rabbinical court, and the outcomes may differ. For example, the rabbinate recognizes the father’s preferential right to raise sons. Daughters remain with the mother, but the father decides on their education. According to Halakha, the father is obliged to support the child until age 15. According to secular law, the father must support children until age 18.
If an unmarried woman gives birth out of wedlock, she can demand the establishment of paternity through a blood test of the child and the collection of child support. If a man refuses to give blood for testing, his paternity is considered proven. The child, against the father’s will, may be given the father’s surname. Such a child is considered the legal heir of the father.