Already a year after moving to Libya, Tatyana spoke Arabic. Her two-year-old toddler is called Alyosha, but the boy's real name, as is proper for Shiites, is Ali. The young family lives comfortably. In the house built according to her own design, only the yellow-blue walls in the nursery remind of Ukraine. Tatyana, who is home-loving by nature, does not perceive village everyday life as seclusion. Moreover, she continues to work in her profession - she designs residential buildings on a PC. And since after the withdrawal of Israeli troops there is a construction boom in Lebanon, there are plenty of orders.
«Insha'Allah!» everything will be fine in Tatyana and Hasan's family. After all, when converting to Islam, she did not have to change her faith, they live in love, and Hasan promised that he would not bring a second woman into the house. Tatyana considers herself happy. However, to the question «What would you advise a girl who decided to marry an Arab?» she replied: «Think and weigh everything 150 times...»
Everyone has their own formula for happiness
Tatyana's transformation into a Lebanese woman is rather the exception to the rule. That rare case when finding faith in Allah and the desire to tie one's life to an Arab-Muslim resulted in a harmonious marriage. There are barely 5% of such happy Ukrainian-Lebanese families in the Middle Eastern Switzerland. Approximately the same number of successful mixed marriages where women took a different path. Having preserved their families, they managed not to assimilate, not to dissolve into Arab culture, but to remain individuals, to live actively and fully, to pass on their native language, culture, and traditions to their children. And there are very few unions where spouses, having first tried Ukrainian borscht and then Lebanese tabbouleh, preferred traditional European cuisine, learning from scratch, but together, the wisdom of life in one of the prosperous countries of the Old World.
Most Ukrainian women, after getting married and immigrating to the Middle East, find themselves disappointed and feel deeply unhappy. The difference in traditions, culture, religion, and way of life is too great. Naive and trusting are the girls from Vinnytsia, Donetsk, and Kharkiv, who believe that it cannot be worse than at home and try to escape total lack of money and hopelessness. Their homeland is too far from their problems to try to protect the basic rights of these women. As is known, emigration is not a tourist trip.
They say that all Lebanese students were born in Beirut, Syrians in Damascus, and Saudis in Riyadh. The legend is quite widespread. It is not difficult for such a suitor to win the heart of a female classmate from Shepetivka or Berdychiv. Firstly, he is a foreigner. Secondly, rich. Thirdly, he truly loves, and doesn't start making advances on the first date. Also, he doesn't drink...
If the girl is still hesitating, he can invite her to visit for a couple of weeks: show her the country, take her around historical sites, museums, cafes, restaurants. Moreover, even the most generous suitor does not spend a tenth of what he would have to pay as a bride price for a local bride. (A Lebanese woman would still think about whether to marry if she is offered «only» three kilograms of gold as a dowry.) It is clear that the potential wife should not yet be traumatized by the prospect of life in a village, and moreover with his parents. Later the girl will quickly understand that the idle, bright life is only for tourists, and she came here forever.
Svetlana K. says that in ten years of life in Lebanon, only in the first year did she manage to travel around the country and see the sights. «And as for the sea,» she says, «I don't even want to go. By the time you get there from our mountain village... And there's more than enough work.»
But this is only one side of the coin. It should be noted that despite its reputation as the most democratic country in the Middle East, life in Lebanon is taboo and subject to certain laws, especially strict in Muslim areas. If, for example, you walk through the numerous cafes and restaurants in the evening, you will find that their visitors are exclusively men. The rare couples are most likely foreigners.
There are other rules unusual for Europeans. When getting married, a woman must know that in case of divorce, the court will leave the children to the father. Her testimony, from a legal point of view, will be equal to only half of the father's testimony. Even in the event of the husband's death, the children come under the guardianship of near and distant male relatives, but not under the mother. The wife and child cannot leave the country without the husband's permission - they will certainly be detained at the airport.
Special requirements are also imposed on the clothing of a Muslim woman. If you find yourself on a Mediterranean beach somewhere in southern Lebanon, do not be surprised by black ankle-length dresses and headscarves on women and girls swimming or sitting under umbrellas. How they feel in a wet robe is another question. But this is also the norm.
The wife of a Muslim must be ready for the fact that one fine day her husband will bring a second, third, and fourth bride into the house. And although such cases are rare in real life, from the point of view of Islam, the husband's decision is quite moral and legal. There are also taboos on certain professions for women. In general, for a Muslim marriage it is preferable that only the husband works, while the wife stays at home - runs the household and raises children.
A girl who decides to marry a student from the Middle East should at least know about these and other features. Naturally, Syrians, Yemenis, Saudis, and other suitors will certainly have their own national and religious traditions. They cannot be ignored, because these differences will constitute the essence of the new life.
How to build a happy life in a foreign land? Every woman has her own recipe. Few Ukrainian women who marry Lebanese men, like Tatyana, convert to Islam and try to become part of the Arab world, indistinguishable from local women. Not every woman can cut off a huge cultural, familial, religious, and mental layer from herself and grow into another, and most importantly, wish to do so. But having become like a Lebanese woman, a Ukrainian woman often ceases to be interesting to her husband, and then terrible metamorphoses can occur. An unappreciated impulse of the female soul turns great love into boundless hatred for everything Arab...
Although there are other options for "building happiness" in a particular family. The story of Olga G. is an example. She was born in Ryazan and graduated from the Peoples' Friendship University. She met her husband Abet during an internship in Moldova. She has lived in Lebanon since 1984. To observe local propriety and ensure legal protection for the children, they added a marriage contract concluded in the presence of a sheikh to the registration at a Moscow registry office. Of course, a woman cannot completely ignore local rules of etiquette. And before going out, she will think carefully about what length skirt to wear and whether to prefer a sleeveless blouse. However, from the first day Olga decided that she would remain herself in Lebanon. Abet understood and welcomed this, for him the girl from Ryazan differed from local women primarily because she could be not only a wife, but also a person and a friend. There was no need to constantly demonstrate to her his strength, his money, his luck. (In Lebanon, a man will go to prison for debts, but will not admit to his wife or others that he has failed in business.)
Olga opened her own business - an English language learning center, and is actively involved in public work. In fact, it is precisely on such women that the entire cultural life of Lebanon rests. Teachers of dance, painting, piano, design, gymnastics coaches, swimming, archery, aerobics instructors - all are Slavic wives. Their children speak at least three or four languages. Even if family life does not work out (and problems arise as in any other marriage), such women remain in demand by society, and most importantly, capable of living independently and fully in Lebanon.
One-way ticket
Statistics claim that the descendants of Phoenician merchants prefer not only Slavic women. French, German, English, and even American women become their wives. But as a rule, such families do not live in Lebanon. This is explained not only by the natural attraction of Mediterranean Arabs to foreign countries (of the 12 million ethnic Lebanese, only 4 million live in Lebanon itself). It's just that European women know well how and where they will have to live if they stay permanently in their husband's homeland. But did the girls from Ukraine know about this? Especially those who immigrated in the last decade? Most likely, only approximately. Tired of financial instability and lack of prospects, hoping to change their lives for the better, they agree to get married, radically change their lifestyle, habitat, and, ultimately, betray the religion of their ancestors. They agree hastily (so that the potential groom doesn't change his mind), without even bothering about a return ticket.
Within a couple of months, having fallen into complete (primarily financial) dependence on her husband and his relatives, a woman realizes that there is no way back. It's good if the family (as the groom said) is wealthy and the young people can live separately. In a foreign country, in some remote mountain village, without knowledge of the language, support from relatives and friends, forced to observe local rules, cut off from the outside world, a woman who by that time is usually already pregnant or has given birth to her first child, suddenly begins to realize that she doesn't love her husband...
Currently, about 10,000 ethnic Ukrainian women live in Lebanon. Nobody knows how many of those who came here for permanent residence end up broken, humiliated, and unhappy. Only the strongest of this cohort find the courage not to sink and try to start life anew. To do this, they sometimes have to commit desperate, amazingly brave acts.
Tanya M. tried to dissolve her marriage for more than two years. Her husband did not agree to a divorce, nor to leaving the child with the mother. Neither "I don't love you!" said to his face, nor two years of withholding marital relations, nor the pleas of lawyers helped. Then Tatyana decided to run away. Twice the police found her and returned her. The third time, without a penny of money, in whatever she was wearing, she managed to slip away, taking her child with her. She deceived customs officers and border guards, covered thousands of kilometers... Friends know that Tanya got there safely, but she doesn't tell anyone where she now lives. She is afraid that if her husband finds out, he will take the child away through court...
Afterword, or Advice from the Experienced
For the sake of objectivity, it should be noted that in any country - and Lebanon is no exception in this regard - marriages of love prove to be the most stable. Regardless of place of residence, problems arise more often in marriages of convenience. The difference is in the details. But it is precisely these details that should not be forgotten. Here are a few tips for "girls at the crossroads" from those who have already walked this road:
Think a hundred times. Decide what you want from marriage and do not build illusions. Learn as much as possible about the traditions, culture, and religion of the country your chosen one comes from, and answer the question: are you ready to live there? It would be a good idea to clarify the real financial situation of your future husband - rich people's children do not study in Ukraine: wealthy Arabs prefer to send their offspring to study in Europe. And when you come for the bride-viewing, arrange for a return ticket in advance. Clarify where you will live (in the parents' house or separately, in a city or in a village), it is better to see it with your own eyes.
Don't take it at face value. Carefully read the marriage contract, demand a second copy with a translation. Let your parents not hesitate to ask about the dowry—this is a matter of your financial independence. For your children to have all rights in Lebanon, you will have to acquire citizenship. But don't even think about renouncing your Ukrainian citizenship (even though your homeland loves you so much that it forbids you from doing so). It's better to give birth to children in Ukraine and enter them in your "native" passport. If anything happens, there will be at least some hope that they will stay with you.
Finally, think a hundred times more.