Following some simple rules will allow you to secure a subsistence minimum for life
When the accountant Berlaga decided to hide from trouble in a mental hospital, he and other malingerers were immediately caught by the head doctor and kicked out to freedom. It must be admitted – Ilf and Petrov were not psychiatrists. The thing is, Berlaga and his comrades, out of ignorance, were faking schizophrenia, but they should have been faking MDP – manic-depressive psychosis. The peculiarity of this remarkable disease is a sharp mood swing from a manic stage, when a person is unreasonably cheerful and overexcited, to a depressive stage, when everything seems gloomy and hopeless. Unlike other branches of medicine, in psychiatry everything is based only on the patient's own statements and observation of their behavior.
The first stage of psychiatric care in Israel is the "tahana ezorit le briut nefesh" (district mental health station). Here is an approximate list of typical complaints in MDP: "I have lost the meaning of life. Life has failed. I am haunted by thoughts of suicide (this is the main thing). I cannot concentrate on anything. Everything is bad. Everything is terrible. I see no meaning in anything." With imagination, everyone can embellish the monologue with events from their own life. The voice should be quiet, behavior uncertain, and gestures slow. Before the visit, try not to wash or shave for several days and come in not the most formal attire.
The first visit ends with a prescription for antidepressants and an invitation for a follow-up appointment. Get the prescription from your family doctor so that it is recorded in the health fund's computer. Next time, you need to complain about drowsiness and increased fatigue (this is a side effect of antidepressants). After several visits and complaints of worsening condition, ask for a referral to a day hospital. At the same time, you should secure evening work or, better yet, work under the table, without a "tlush maskoret" (pay slip – an official document issued to every employee monthly). (Recall that an employer who does not issue a "tlush" to an employee commits a criminal offense.) Someone admitted to a day hospital is considered hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital with a record in the Ministry of Health's computer.
From this moment on, you must forever say goodbye to "shmira" (security work – one of the most popular occupations among immigrants), as you will no longer have the right to carry weapons. By the way, you will also receive an exemption from "miluim" (reserve duty). When filling out a job application in some places, they require a statement about mental health – sign it boldly: most institutions do not have access to the Ministry of Health's computer. As for a driver's license, it is only denied in cases of severe mental illness.
The next stage is simulating suicide. You can cut a vein – the blood will clot within 20 minutes. You can ask someone you know to inform your doctor that you are haunted by thoughts of suicide. Real MDP patients tend to hide such thoughts. You can turn on the gas so that neighbors smell it and call emergency services. It would be good if, during a doctor's appointment, a rope you were planning to hang yourself with "accidentally" falls out of your bag.
The day hospital operates from 9:00 to 13:00 five days a week, where doctors observe you. It is better not to bring books, newspapers, or a player – confirm your statement that "it is difficult for me to concentrate on anything, and I cannot engage in anything – I am haunted by painful thoughts" (what kind – make up yourself). Now you can apply to "Bituach Leumi" (National Insurance Institute) for psychiatric disability.
A month or two before applying, you need to quit your job or try to get fired. When dismissed on the initiative of the administration, the employee is entitled to compensation – one month's salary for each full year worked for that employer, as well as the right to receive unemployment benefits for six months.
Going through the commission at "Bituach Leumi" is a purely bureaucratic procedure; everything is decided based on your psychiatrist's opinion. And he, in turn, will write it based on conversations with you and observation of your behavior.
In Israel, the legislation on psychiatric disability is quite liberal. The first time, you will be granted disability for one year. Upon receiving 75% disability, you will receive half the minimum wage (currently $400 per month) with the right to officially earn the same amount and receive money for renting housing ($200) from the Ministry of Construction, plus you are entitled to priority receipt of a "hostel" (social housing), a hotel room – for life.
After a year, disability is granted for two years. It should be noted that "Bituach Leumi" actively cooperates with informants who are paid for information. Therefore, be careful in your statements to acquaintances, and especially to people you barely know, about how cleverly you have fooled the state, that you work under the table, and that you bought home furniture or a computer. Large purchases are best made with cash or other people's checks, as "Bituach Leumi" records purchases and also monitors your account into which you receive benefits, so there should be no extra money in it. You should not open savings or pension plans. A person who buys a car (even a used one) loses the right to benefits. The termination of benefits occurs without any warning – simply one fine day the money will not be deposited into your account.
"Bituach Leumi" may send an inspector. If it is a freelance employee, they are not required to identify themselves. There are known cases where men receiving disability benefits were sent a freelance agent – a young attractive woman. And when the "disabled person" showed off, she wrote a report that this person should be deprived of benefits.
Following the simple rules outlined above will allow you to secure a subsistence minimum for life. As for your conscience, it can rest easy – in Israel there are half a million religious idlers who have never worked and do not intend to. The state will not become poorer if there is one more of them. Besides, American Jews annually send multi-billion dollar donations to Israel, which generally disappear no one knows where.
Maryan BELENKY,
Jerusalem, Israel.
Specially for "Zagranitsa".