So tell me, how do you pick them up with chopsticks or try to separate the meat from the bones without looking like an idiot? And following them came a large boiled turtle – the first and last in my life. Eating it was absolutely impossible, and I welcomed the main course with relief – a seemingly delicious, albeit giant, whole fish.
No sooner had I put the first piece in my mouth than the hosts – government officials – proudly announced that the fish had been raised in nutrient-rich waters discharged from the local nuclear power plant...
I lived in Asia for 16 years and understand that moving to the East from Europe, America, or Australia entails a complete loss of familiar reference points, especially when it comes to food. In the Asia-Pacific region, dishes and dining etiquette vary from country to country and are not simple. You can make a mistake even before sitting down at the table: the Japanese expect a slight bow before a meal, while Chinese hosts might be offended by this gesture – they are more accustomed to a brief and not overly firm handshake in the European style.
To gain confidence in your table manners, you should start not with valiant attempts to eat jellyfish as an appetizer, but with understanding a key point: in this part of the world, there are many different culinary traditions and ways of eating dishes. Once you crack the tough nut of local cuisine customs, you will feel at ease at the table.
In these cultures, food traditionally plays a very important role, and some dishes are firmly tied to family customs, status, and social standing. 'Start by familiarizing yourself with local specialties,' advises Paul Harrison, who long worked in the medical equipment sales department at General Electric. 'I knew, for example, that the Chinese county of Wuxi is famous for its peaches, so I constantly ordered them and knew when they were in season. That impressed those around me.'
Getting a dinner invitation from a local bigwig is only the first step. Then come the subtleties, and first it's important to understand the significance of seating. If the host has status in their company, they may invite you to a private room in a restaurant. The guest of honor is seated farthest from the door, considered the best seat. This detail is especially noted in China and Japan. In South Korea (and again in China), you may be invited to sing karaoke after dinner.
Using traditional Western utensils is not objectionable – forks and knives are usually available in most restaurants, except in the most remote areas. However, your local dining companions will appreciate it if you learn to deftly use chopsticks or are willing to eat with your hands (in India and rural areas of the Philippines). Of course, you need to wash your hands thoroughly.
You are unlikely to be deliberately shocked. But be vigilant!
Try to take small portions and do not attempt to put food on your neighbor's plate, especially if you are using chopsticks. Do not be horrified at the sight of others taking food from a shared dish with chopsticks. Chinese and Japanese people can delicately touch only the pieces they intend to eat. Smacking and slurping during a meal are signs of approval. 'Don't eat everything clean, down to the last dumpling,' advises Marie Michaelson, chair of the Forum of Asian Company Leaders. 'Leave something uneaten so your hosts don't think they need to order more.'
In China, it is also considered good manners to leave room in your stomach for sweet soups or rice with noodles – to the surprise of most foreigners, these basic (from a Western perspective) dishes are served only at the end of formal banquets.
Try not to order special dishes or side dishes. If in doubt, yield the initiative to the locals. 'Chinese people like to choose fresh fish from the aquarium,' notes Mike Chinoy, senior research fellow at the U.S.-China Institute at the University of Southern California. 'And Thais, devout Buddhists, never want to spoil their karma by indicating which living creature should be killed.' If your hosts in Indonesia or Malaysia are Muslims, do not ask for pork.
Of course, there are many stories about unfortunate foreigners who were offered exotic fare like dog meat or monkey brains. Don't be afraid: Asians are generally well aware of Western culinary phobias and are unlikely to deliberately shock you. Nonetheless, fish is served with the head, and meat is usually not separated from bones and tendons (you should spit them out). If you are willing to enthusiastically try everything offered, you will earn approval. According to Paul Harrison, if you are served fried ants with pine nuts, 'just tell yourself you won't die from it.'
Be prepared to stand up regularly. According to etiquette, you should rise for each toast and clink glasses, holding your glass lower than the host's. If the toast ends with the call 'Ganbei!' (in China) or 'Kanpai!' (in Japan), you must drink to the bottom. Many foreigners have difficulty with quite strong alcohol in such a rapid-fire manner. 'A useful survival skill in China is the ability to discreetly pour rice wine under the table,' says Chinoy. The drink may be tasty and high-quality, but the alcohol content makes itself felt immediately, and business negotiations after several toasts can go oddly.
Pouring tea also comes with a set of rules. Wait until the drink has steeped properly, and fill your neighbors' cups first, then your own. When tea is poured for you, you can impress a Chinese dining companion by tapping your index finger on the table as a sign of thanks. This gesture comes from a legend about an emperor traveling incognito.
With the exception of the traditionally hospitable societies of the Philippines or Malaysia, it is not customary to invite colleagues to your home in Asia. "If they have opened the doors of their home to you, treat it as a gesture of special attention," comments Michaelson. Such an invitation will give you an opportunity to get closer acquainted with the local culture, although do not expect a tour of the house – living quarters are not shown to guests.
Before ringing the doorbell, be sure to prepare a beautifully wrapped gift. It is advisable to bring something more formal (but not necessarily more expensive) than the Western custom of a bottle of wine. Souvenirs from your country, a small vase, or a scarf are appropriate. Flowers are also welcome, but remember that in Japan white chrysanthemums are used for funerals. A bottle of wine, as mentioned, may be seen in Asian countries as a sign of doubt about the hosts' wealth. In Western culture, guests sometimes bring a homemade dish – in the East, this borders on insulting the hostess or the cook.
Before entering, take off your shoes and, of course, make sure your socks have no holes: this sign of poverty knows no cultural boundaries. Suppress the liberal urge to treat servants with no less attention than the hosts. "Do not flirt with maids or inquire about their working conditions," warns Harrison. After dinner, do not linger if strong drinks are not offered. No one likes intrusive guests, so learn to decipher hints. If you are asked if you are tired, it means the hosts are definitely tired.
If business matters begin to be discussed before the meal is over, make sure you are dealing with a sufficiently influential company representative, advises Harrison. "In Asia, power may be concentrated in one person's hands, and decisions are sometimes made quickly, without discussion with the board of directors," he says. And do not expect your counterpart to speak English well. "More than one deal has failed due to a translator's mistake or due to overestimating the other side's level of English," states Michaelson.
Harrison agrees with him. "Speak clearly and do not offer too many options to choose from," he notes, adding that both in food and business, the one who shows weakness first loses.