Hans Gruber, a "promising groom"
The former, according to colleagues, simply "want to start a strong family in a civilized state and calmly raise children" (quote from a major newspaper). Well, the latter (quote from the same newspaper) "seek women for whom the concepts of 'emancipation' and 'feminization' are empty words and who, unlike native German women, are able to focus all their attention on running the household."
Well, I decided to test the theory with practice and for a while change my fate, becoming an "enviable German groom." I hope that the results of my experiment will not be perceived by the most hot-headed as blanket disparagement of my fellow countrywomen: after all, without generalizing anything, I am simply telling about my own experience. More precisely, about the experience... of a 66-year-old pensioner Hans Gruber, deprived of female attention in his small but cozy town of Ferkelheim.
"A 66-year-old pensioner loves sex and wants children"
To be honest, I did not expect that the experiment, which initially began as a joke, would drag on for a long seven months and take away so much "old man's" strength and time. Well, can you imagine - corresponding more or less constantly with as many as eighteen "brides", while another 23 candidates were rejected by me mercilessly and immediately for various reasons! And yet I, when posting "my" questionnaire and "my" photograph on the Internet (for the role of Hans Gruber, in fact, an elderly American criminal was chosen, who became famous in his native New York for repeatedly robbing sex shops), was sure: no beauty in full possession of her senses would covet such a "cute guy"...
On the contrary. Ladies aged 18 to 37 (brides older than Hans, who had "suffered only two heart attacks", were simply of no interest) were not put off by my appearance, my profile data, or the many requirements I set for applicants for my senile trembling hand.
Well, let's get to know the "enviable groom" better, who managed to vividly interest 41 young and not-so-young beauties living in Russia and Ukraine. So: Herr Gruber, 66 years old, pensioner, widower, having two adult children living separately from him, still pays tribute to sex, but cannot stand alcohol and smoking. Wants to start a strong family, wants and is able to have common children in marriage. Lives in his own little house in the small town of Ferkelheim. He is fond of collecting wine labels. He likes, "as far as means allow," to travel the world. What can such a self-sufficient person wish for? Well, of course, a little - "a young, charming, pretty and sexy wife, preferably playing some musical instrument, more or less decently speaking German, faithful, devoted, wanting to have common children and loving to run the household."
Having personally posted this nonsense on three different free dating servers and provided an address for replies, accidentally created on the German site gmx.de, I was bogged down in editorial routine and simply forgot about what I had done for a couple of weeks.
But two weeks later, I experienced a real shock. Remembering my joke on the weekend, I decided to look into the "special box" and was simply amazed at the abundance of emails that came to the name of the resident of Ferkelheim. It would have been fine if I had just underestimated the scale of computerization of ladies thirsting for a "prince on a white horse" (and with a "duck" under the bed)! But no, it turned out that the German language is extremely popular in the post-Soviet space, and to such an extent that, reading messages from potential wives, I often had to use a dictionary! In connection with such events, I was no longer surprised that all those who responded turned out to be almost professional travelers, and a few future wives also shared my exotic passion for collecting wine labels.
Having immediately discarded about a dozen candidates who did not meet the strict requirements of Herr Gruber - two 16-year-old girls from Novosibirsk and Donetsk, ladies who wrote in English, a 53-year-old sultry widow from Kyiv, and those who honestly stated that, due to their dire financial situation, they were ready to marry even the devil with horns - I thoughtfully plunged into studying the rest of the correspondence. Indeed, there was something to read and something to look at here.
"I play piano and guitar," 24-year-old Inna from Saratov wrote to Gruber in excellent German. "In bed, I can be compared to a violin that needs the bow of an experienced musician. Judging by your ad, dear Hans, you are an experienced violinist who skillfully holds the bow in your hand."
"Perhaps you won't believe me, dear Mr. Gruber, but I am interested in the history of Germany and have read something about the past of your city. It is a great honor for me to share life with you in this wonderful place!" reported a 31-year-old woman from Omsk.
"I would very much like to start a family with a real German man. Especially with someone as attractive as you. In appearance, Hans, you resemble Belmondo a little. Do write to me, do you have the same cheerful and upbeat disposition as Jean-Paul?" demanded a 34-year-old resident of Kyiv.
"I adore sex and children, of whom I have three," a 19-year-old (!) woman from Rostov reassured the groom. "If your pension is enough to feed our close-knit family, consider that I am already flying to you on the wings of love in an airplane."
"Only in a normal country does a 66-year-old man retain an interest in sex and the ability to procreate until an advanced age," admired a 26-year-old woman from St. Petersburg. "Write to me, you naughty boy, do you like having sex in a car and is your car spacious enough for such fun?"
But - enough of this reading matter. Offended on behalf of Belmondo and “real German men”, and also genuinely not believing that a resident of Omsk had read about the story of the brazenly invented Ferkelheim (something like Pigograd), I fixed my gaze on the photographs of the brides. Alas, dear reader, you will not get to enjoy the contemplation of this exhibition: the ladies, apparently, confused the marriage genre with posing for some “Bulletin of Anatomy and Gynecology”. Observing the complete “nude” performed by the future “faithful” and “devoted” ones, I involuntarily sympathized with my 66-year-old hero, whose ailing heart might not have withstood such “still lifes”. Hans and I, observing all this bacchanalia, came to the conclusion that, when looking at feminine charms, we are not capable of choosing with our hearts. And we decided to bring logic into the matter, asking the potential brides direct and uncomfortable questions.
“A man is fine when his term life insurance is fine!”
Having crossed out 23 candidates, I sent the same letter to the remaining 18. In it, Hans Gruber briefly stated the following: “Dear N.! I have a few questions for you. First, how do you come to have such a magnificent command of the German language? Second, what exactly attracted you to my advertisement? I am aware that I am quite old and not very attractive for such a young and pretty person as you. Therefore, preference will be given to you only in the case of a sincere answer to this question. Third, do you not think that moving from a big city to my province will soon disappoint you? I would also ask you to briefly describe how you envision our family life?”
All the candidates completed the task with the efficiency of German firefighters and the diligence of students taking distance learning at their own expense. In the received answers, old Hans was disappointed only by the fact that 15 of them, answering the first question, assured that they had managed to learn impeccable German in just a couple of months. Only two honestly admitted that they paid professionals to translate their letters, and one more, whose German nevertheless contained errors, no less honestly reported that she had been studying the language for three years, since she was going to find a husband “specifically in calm and well-organized Germany”. However, this letter from a 27-year-old lady from Krasnodar, lovingly written in her own hand and scanned, shocked poor Gruber precisely with its frankness.
The lady, apparently, had indeed prepared well for moving to Germany, for she meticulously inquired about all types of savings and insurance the groom had, giving the greatest preference to the so-called “term life insurance”. Apparently, the beauty counted on the pensioner who fell into her net not lasting long, leaving the inconsolable young widow a tidy sum of money, and therefore she wrote to Hans with utmost sincerity: “To each his own: you get a young woman, and I get a secure life in Germany”.
As for the other answers to my questions, I will give only one, the most characteristic, summarizing all that were received, and which came from Saratov. Reading it carefully, you can sufficiently picture the appearance of a 24-year-old charmer, ready “even tomorrow” for an unequal marriage with a “grandfather”. “I honestly admit, dear Hans, that I am spending my last savings on translating letters to you,” wrote the “violin” lady. “Perhaps, if I send the receipts for the translations, you could pay for them? Give a real address for this... You ask about a man's attractiveness - that is not the main thing. You write that you live in a small town - that is also not important. What is important is that a child grows up in a stable country. For this I am ready to do a lot: cook, wash, clean, take care of you. Old people have their own charm. They are more faithful than young ones. If you have enough money for a family, then don't ask how I imagine our life. It will be as you want.”
I will not, for obvious reasons, mock the girl's aspirations. I will not, especially since Hans and I, over the seven-month period of communication with the “brides”, had by then come across more suitable candidates. For example, at the moment when Herr Gruber and I were already beginning to wind down our marital activity, sending out letters that we were taking a timeout for an indefinite period, we even found ourselves... in the role of victims of a kind of blackmail. Not only did they demand from us in several cases reimbursement of funds spent on the Internet and translators, but they also... added an “already paid wedding dress” to the bill. The owner of said dress, ordered in advance, wrote: “Hans, I hoped that you had already made a choice. I wanted to please you. I ordered a dress that cost 4,000 euros. Pay me for what was done for you, and then think further. Although I hope that my portrait in the wedding dress will not only convince you that I am not lying, but also make you think faster.” The letter modestly indicated the account number to which I was to urgently transfer the 4,000 euros spent for my own “benefit”.
Taking off the mask of a prospective German groom, I want to say this: I am not at all going to read anyone a lecture or take the pose of a mentor, condemning international marriages unequal on all counts. I simply, paying tribute to the genre of parody, put myself in the shoes of a not-so-rare average pensioner looking for a wife “in the East”. The conclusions from the experiment are simple to the point of being absurd: perhaps one must initially possess a local juvenile mentality to believe in the good intentions of distant young seductresses ready to go through life with old men. To the rare specimens who enter into unequal marriages for love, I offer my sincere apologies.