Sweden is a country where newcomers suffer most from loneliness
A BBC Capital columnist reports on how difficult it is to find love in a country with the largest number of lonely people in Europe.
This is paradoxical, since Sweden surpasses all other European countries in the number of single people. Nearly half of Swedish households consist of single, childless adults. For comparison, on average in Europe, such households account for less than a third of the total. This is shown by data from the European Union's statistical agency, Eurostat.
Perhaps a newly arrived immigrant not burdened by relationships won't be frightened by this statistic, but behind the dry numbers lies a cultural norm: it could be said that in Sweden, loneliness is more welcomed than the opposite.
In Swedish cities, there are many compact apartments specifically designed for single living. Even in the capital Stockholm, despite a significant housing shortage, living alone is more affordable than in many other hubs for foreign professionals, such as London or San Francisco.
Raquel Altoe, a 34-year-old immigrant from Brazil, finds one clear drawback in moving for work to a country where loneliness is so widespread. "I came here three years ago, and I still don't have a partner. It upsets me a lot, because I love everything else about Sweden," she says. Raquel works at a young company engaged in business research. Like many in their thirties, she hopes to start a family. "I have no problem getting invited on dates," she adds. "But building long-term relationships is much harder here."
Thanks to its high standard of living, flexible work culture, and beautiful nature, Sweden often ranks near the top of the world's most attractive countries for immigrants. Moreover, Swedes have the best command of English as a second language, which helps the rapid adaptation of foreigners who speak it fluently. Nevertheless, data from a 2015 report by Statistics Sweden show that only one in four people who moved to Sweden while single found a partner within the first five years.
The authors of the report concluded that economic migrants from other Nordic and European countries have even less chance of starting a relationship with a Swedish man or woman than refugees and those who moved for family reasons.
"It's surprising that 20 years after Sweden joined the EU, we see practically the same trends," reflects Andreas Raneke, a demographic analysis specialist who led the study. "We expected Swedes to form families with foreigners much more often due to freedom of movement and increased immigration," he adds.
Michael Olaya, a 31-year-old Briton, works in marketing. He has been single for two years and says Swedes value independence more than people from many other nations. "In Sweden, nobody is in a hurry to say they are 'dating' someone. For Swedes, that word implies a lot of responsibility," he says. "I've met many beautiful women willing to go on a date, but it all ends very quickly. Now I'm looking for a more serious relationship."
Dr. David Schultz, an American psychotherapist who has lived in Sweden for 13 years, agrees that the difficulties immigrants face in finding a partner may be related to cultural differences. And it's not just about Swedes' love of independence. "Many of my clients have problems with socializing in this country. Swedes generally are reluctant to talk to strangers in public places, whether it's the subway, bus, or supermarket," he explains. "So to a foreigner, they may seem unsociable."
Schultz also claims that not all single people in Sweden are happy with their status, but overall, this nation is much less conservative when it comes to relationships compared to others. Here, society is more liberal on this issue. "You can be in a relationship but not live together. Marriage is not necessary at all, even if you have children. In a way, it's a completely different culture from other countries," the expert says.
In this Scandinavian country, where great attention is paid to gender equality, women are much less financially dependent on men than in most other countries. According to Eurostat data, on average women enter first marriage at 33, men at 35.7. For comparison, in the US that figure is 27 for women and 29 for men. The state provides generous financial support to women raising children, so they don't need a breadwinner husband. At the same time, the divorce rate in Sweden is the highest in the EU.
Nevertheless, the equality flourishing in Sweden appeals to many immigrants. This also applies to American Rachel Matchet. She is 36 and moved to Stockholm with her ex-husband, a Bulgarian. "We divorced here when my son was three, and I could afford to stay in Sweden as a single mother, even though no one helped me. In the US or Japan, where we lived before, that would have been impossible," says Rachel. She is now in a new relationship. She adds that another big plus for independent living is "practically free" daycare.
Swede Ine Wilk, co-founder of the Swedish language and cultural communication center Bee Swedish, advises immigrants who do not want to register on dating sites and apps not to rush and to get to know Swedes at evening courses or at the gym. “At first, Swedes may seem colder and less emotional than people from other nationalities,” says Wilk, who has lived in Germany, Ireland, the USA and the UK. “But if you do something together, there will be no tension due to the need to talk. Moreover, you will already have a common interest that unites you regardless of your language or background. Once you get to know Swedes better, you will understand that they are very responsive and loyal friends.”
Sweden remains a very attractive place for professionals from all over the world. This is confirmed by the fact that the majority of single immigrants still stay here for a fairly long time. According to Statistics Sweden, two-thirds of those who came to this Scandinavian country without a partner from 1998 to 2007 were still living here after five years. And, of course, some immigrants do find their love here.